One last burst of warmth before winter's cold tightens its icy grip upon us. It was one of those crisp autumn days when we feel restless. Unwilling to let go of fall's sunshine and almost afraid to look ahead toward winter's snowstorms, already peaking over the horizon. Watching the end of the colored leaves spiralling to the ground, I decided to take a walk through the local park.
Children were sneaking in one last afternoon of swinging, sliding and other outdoor activities. Their giggles floated on the air and tickled my ears as I passed by the playground toward the fenced off pond. A spot I had discovered earlier in the year when spring fever had me roaming the neighborhood.
It was quiet by the water. Only the sound of a slight breeze through the almost bare trees. Even the water was still as I stood reflecting and searching inward for a peice of calmness.
Since leaving behind my world of chaos and anxiety, I've spent many days sorting through ideas, thoughts, and yes, even memories. Boxing, labelling and storing away what was worth keeping. Letting go of more than I saved.
Most definitely this has been a transition year. A year of change. In fact, there have been times where I've stripped away so much, I don't even recognize myself anymore. Or at least, the person I've always known myself to be.
No, today was not a "mind in crisis" day, it was more of a "coming together of body, soul and mind" kind of afternoon. Redefining who I am. The truth of "what is" and full acceptance of that reality.
So many things I've longed searched for have been directly in front of my eyes and though I would like to use the excuse that I was blind to them, the truth is I was afraid of what their reality would entail.
Today I met fearlessness. I had touched it before, briefly. That awesome feeling of oneness with all things in my life where the sky could fold into itself and it wouldn't matter. I would be okay. Better than okay, joyous. The epitome of happy- from hair folicle to toe nail. Inside and out. Then slowly, my visits with this feeling became more frequent until today when it all just gelled.
It wasn't an earth shattering jubilation, but more of a quiet satisfaction warming from the pit of my stomach outward until my whole being became alive and radiant. As I meandered through the park, I could almost feel my thoughts, plans and dreams line up with a plan greater than my own.
So many questions no longer needed answers. I had found purpose for every obstacle I had ever overcome. Better still, I had found reason to celebrate every day of the rest of my life. Awestruck by the enormity of the universe, I couldn't help but wonder why I ever questioned life on life's terms, even for a second.
What an awesome feeling to know, and fully believe, we always end up where we are meant to be. We don't need to stress that fact. It just happens. When we stop fighting and find acceptance for this truth, wow, how much of a difference it makes. Our minds are no longer cluttered with mental garbage. We gain clarity.
How wonderful to be able to stand by a pond, surrounded by the beauty and wonder of nature, and know, no matter what, the sun will shine another day, the snow will fall, the spring will come and dandelions will again paint the country fields. Yes, all will be okay- including us- without our control.
Jumping back into my car, fully aware of all that's beautiful in my world, my insides remained warm and quietly grateful. Before turning the ignition key, I paused to breathe. One long slow breath. The exhale seemed to last an eternity, but once complete, not an ounce of stress remained.
My life may not be unfolding as I once imagined it would, but it sure is wondrous just the same. In fact, far more happier than I've ever had the capacity to dream.