Friday, February 20, 2009

Facing Challenges- Part One

Hello my friends,
Today I want to talk about challenges. No, actually I don't want to talk so much about them as I want to discuss how we overcome them.
Sometimes life tosses an obstacle that hits us in the face with a sting like a snowball. Other times, it's more like a boulder runs us over and flattens us to the ground. Sometimes we see it coming, sometimes we create it even, but most times, it's a huge surprise.
For years I ran from anything I couldn't control, which, in retrospect, was most everything. Whether it was by using drugs, physically moving (geographical cure), or withdrawing into myself, I ran. Though I may have appeared to be strong, determined and capable of handling about anything, inside I was scared, quietly crumbling, and the owner of little to no coping skills.
Fear and cowardice led me nowhere...quickly. Wrong friends, abusive relationships, a less than admirable reputation....and the biggie- more obstacles to run from. Negative actions bred more negative results. Go figure!
The bottom fell out of my life several times. I lost almost everything I owned materially, but worse, I eventually lost my own identity. There was no "me." I didn't exist beyond being part of the chaos my actions, and life's surprises, created. Depressed, anxious, and in many ways, indifferent, I lost touch with goodness ...with myself...with the world...with life as a whole.
At these points, I felt I deserved whatever boulder I was being hit with at the time, and in some instances, I did. Lost my car- okay, I hadn't paid the bill. Lost my apartment- okay, my money was going to drugs, not rent. Lost my marriage- okay, he hated me anyway. Having been abused as a child, beaten by my husband (my high school sweetheart), and raped on three different occasions, I had no self-esteem--no self-worth. Those in my so called "inner circle" were incapable of providing any validation for their own existence, much less mine. So, when I realized I had lost "me"- so what?! In my own mind, I didn't deserve goodness in any form. Believing I had been born under the wrong star with the moon in retrograde, I kept running and found nowhere fast.
My point in sharing my past is simply to create some background to emphasize changes in thought, in action, and in me. A relateability factor, if you will. To say at one time I felt like slime under a whale's belly would be an understatement. So what changed?
Nothing. That is, no thing. Life continued to pitch its uncertainties and challenges my way, but ....I changed and how I interacted with the world around me changed dramatically. I stopped running...I had no choice. Not wanting to live and too afraid to die, I was a shadow of myself quickly losing the only glimmer of hope I'd been able to keep...the hope that one day I too could be "someone" ....someone who mattered... someone who could touch others and better our world...someone who was available for whatever goodness needed to be spread.
On that note, I'll end part one of "Facing Challenges."
In part two, I'll discuss these changes in thought and action.

Wishing everyone a wonderful today where hope and faith exist simultaneously and a moment is taken to give and receive goodness in its purest form.

Hugs :o)

1 comment:

  1. I can't wait to read your next blog. I certainly understand bottoms falling out and adversity...most of it from my own stupidity...or maybe that is how we learn. People who haven't had to crawl out of holes seldom have as much depth to them.