More Than a Meal

Amazingly, after postponing Friday, lunch ran smoothly today.
I awoke this morning all comfy cozy in my bed and dawdled with the idea of rolling over and catching some extra zzz's when the thought,"Today's the day." hit me like a boulder to the chest. Adrenelin rushing, I jumped from the covers to face the day.
Of course my brain was spitting questions like a semi-automatic pistol: "What if she doesn't show? What if she does? What if she ridicules my life? What if she wants more than I'm willing to give? What if she's really changed? What if- blah blah blah."
We'd changed the restaurant location three times and I had no idea where I was headed, but I was willing to bet it was probably right outside her doorstep. (Later I would be proven wrong. Yes, it ended up being closer to her house but still a bit of a drive away.)
She arrived shortly after I walked into the restaurant and secured a table. Carrying in a scrapbook, my tree she made, and a few other items she juggled nervously, it was time for us to talk after so many years. The scrapbook was definitely a Godsent and a perfect icebreaker.
To keep a ramble down to size, we'll say lunch was full of small talk, good food, and an added surprise. She gave me a necklace she bought a long time ago for me...just after we stopped talking. It went well enough, I even drove down the road to her house and stayed a bit.
There were glimpses of the vain, self-centered woman she used to be, but I had to chalk up that chatter to her nervousness. Overall, she made herself available and willing to listen. Accepting even...of my life and of me. And I no longer saw her as the person who had me, left me, and owed me something. Today- after many years- I allowed her to be human in my eyes...human with feelings.
No, I am far from ready to tear down my safety nets, but I am willing to float along this journey and see where it leads.
I found it rather ironic that she made me a tree center piece. A tree!
Back when I began my last series of counseling sessions, my therapist told me a story about trees: They are not confused. When the sun rises each morning, they know their purpose and are accepting of that purpose...to just be a tree. They see a cat and don't want to be a cat...a tree is what they are and it is good enough. No confusion. On that note, she's my mother...she's human...she has feelings...and yes, today that too is good enough.

Pickled beets and Pork Chops

Friday. Lunch. Nothing very unusual to find on someone's schedule. That is, unless you're me. And unless it's with my mother.

Yes, after 12 years of no contact, we've decided to meet in the middle and do lunch this week. To say things have changed would be an understatement. There was a time when she wouldn't meet me next door much less twenty miles down the road.

I've spoken with Mom (gosh, I used to choke on that name) four times. Each conversation was absent of the blame game and full of past apologies and future hopes. There's an underlying "I'm here now Honey and it's okay" in her tone. Her voice is soft, calm and inviting to my inner child who has missed her so much. To the adult I've become, she's accepting and only asks for my time...and a chance to make things right.

Yesterday I thought the world was opening up and swallowing me in as I heard the words,"I've always loved you Honey, you're my baby and I've missed you so much." I could feel the lava of the planet's inner core begin to burn my feet as she continued to unveil little things I'd given her that she'd kept all these years. Would've placed my life savings on the planet blowing up before she ever said,"Honey, I'm proud of you." But I'd be dead ass broke now cause she said it last night....but more importantly, I could tell by her near whisper, she meant it.

Yes, the woman who has been the catalyst for much of my disappointments, hurts and resentments has now appeared as the person I'd always hoped she could be. Well, toss my salad and call me Caesar....it's a whole new world. I almost don't know whether to raise a flag or bake a cake. For now I'll do neither...it's too soon....I need time.

I find myself squirming inside. I so want to believe this woman has changed but I find myself doubting, questioning and looking for the 'old' mother to appear and snatch away the goodness as quickly as it appeared. I guess reasonable boundaries are okay but I am mindfully trying to remain optimistic, open, and compassionate.

The simplest of words blow me away. Do you know she remembers my favorite color? She even remembers what foods I liked when I was a baby. Information I'd thought she'd long forgotten as she'd never told me before.

Heck, I never knew what her favorite anything was...but I'm beginning to learn now. She likes black and red. Pork chops over steak and yes, beets but they must be pickled. She loves country and western music and dance. Even loves the ocean as much as I do. Perhaps this sounds trivial to some, but imagine not knowing for 40 plus years and then one day being allowed close enough to gather the information. Mind-blowing really.

I only spent the first 2 1/2 years of my life with her...then at 17, I spent about ten years knocking heads with her, just trying to make us fit into each other's lives....or more accurately, into each other's expectations of who we should be. It didn't work. If anything, it only accentuated the pain we both (yes today I can say 'both') felt. Then it was only a quick hello and expected check-in holiday visits once every four or five years...until I totally gave up in March of 1997.

Suffice it to say, I am both excited and scared to death. I've placed up boundaries as protection but I'm remaining open to tearing them down. After all, there's a little kid inside of me who is so afraid of being crushed again...but she too is breathing life into the possibilities of a brighter future. One conversation at a time.

My mother is gifted when it comes to crafts. I'd always wanted her to make me something....now, get this, she did! She made me a decorative tree- not a Christmas tree- but a table top center peice with lights and decorations. She's bringing it to lunch so I can take it home with me. Can't wait to see it. Between you and me, she could have drawn the smallest of things...let's say a mouse...on a scrap piece of paper, handed it to me, and I'd treasure it because for that second or two she was thinking enough of me to create the drawing. Instead, she took an hour or two and made something really nice. I'm touched.

In closing, I don't know where I'm headed with this journey of rediscovery, but for now it's pork chops and pickled beets....and maybe a mindful hug or two.

Here's wishing you all a day of restoration...where something hurtful can be resolved and healed. Have a happy today!

hugs :o)

The Theme of The Year

Tonight I sit here at the keyboard, my thoughts warming -awaiting a 'pop' to signal an idea is ready, like raisin toast on a cold morning.

-----snap, crackle, you got it- pop! -----


Every year seems to have a theme. Three years ago was a year of loss with the passing of my father and other significant people in my life. Followed by a year of transition as I journeyed through some intensive therapy, placing my feet back on the ground. Then last year, the year of awareness, at last finding myself and the flow of what is- wuwei. Having found a comfortable space in my world, the year ended quite happily.
Mind you, usually I can't see what the theme has been until about mid December, when I sit reflecting over the previous months and the events they've held.
This year is different. What strikes me is how quickly the theme has developed. This year will be the year of emotions and change. Sure, I've experienced a whole lot of emotions in my lifetime, but how many have I actually taken the time to own...to actually feel their intensity? It was normal for me to always be three steps ahead of every conversation (and event), in my safe zone, awaiting someone's arrival on the other side. Definitely not in the moment. After all, if I've already passed by the moment no one can touch my vulnerability. Racing ahead was a defense mechanism. My, how things have changed.
Today I practice mindfulness in all things...I'm right here- right now. For I've come to learn, this now is all we ever truly own. All I have to do is "show up." A hundred percent present. Living through all my senses. Even now as I type, I can feel the softness of the keys under my fingers, hear the music on the radio, smell the floral scent of dryer sheets drifting in from the laundry room, taste the cherry gatorade I'm sipping, and of course, see the words I'm typing.
Of course, moment to moment my senses find something new to experience. Perhaps the sound of an adult child on the phone, or a cool graphic someone sent me in email, or even a hug. Yeah, what about a hug?
Here's something for you to try. Lots of people hold their breath when they hug someone. It's true. I didn't believe it when my counselor first told me that fact- until I found myself actually doing it! Anyway, go grab someone and hug him/her....mindfully....in other words, be conscious of your breath....hug him/her and BREATHE....mind you, I didn't say PANT! lol...just breathe...from your stomach...where we were meant to breathe....long, slow, and deep...then relax into that hug...actually feel the other person's arms around you...the warmth, the softness, the safe security this embrace rewards you with, his/her breathe on your neck, his/her scent...feel the beating of his/her heart against your body-rhythmic and strong...lastly, feel the love. Don't allow your mind to wander to the clothes waiting to be folded or how many emails are needing answers... stay in the hug....fully and completely....then release... Now that's a hug...and you're feeling pretty good, aren't you?
Hugs are supposed to feel good...they are medicinal- when enacted correctly, they release chemicals in our brains that make us feel better. Now that I've taken you through a mindful, fearless hug, imagine living every second of every day from this space...mindfully showing up....better still, forget imagining - just attempt to do it...and watch how beautiful life can become. After all, there's no anxiety here- you are not worrying about what is coming next...and there's no depression because you are not looking back at past events...you are here and now...where in this now everything is okay.
Yes, it takes practice. I've gotten a whole lot better at this feat after two years of consciously working on it. Sure, it makes me much more vulnerable...but I'm finding a whole lot of beautiful moments too. And as I find safety in mindfulness, I'm building up fearlessness....courage to experience new things...to be vulnerable...open....more loving, more compassionate. Breathing life into love and love into life...that's become my own personal quote...where I live from everyday.
Back to this year's theme- emotions and change. I'm learning not to run from the intensity of my emotions. Today I allow love to breathe. I know what it is and I'm not afraid of where it leads me in my relationships. After all, I only have to 'show up-' one moment at a time...fearlessly. I've learned to trust this life we breathe in...everything will end up where it is meant to be...all I need to do is float. This fearlessness has rewarded me with many wondrous surprises. Many of which were right in front of my eyes all the time I was running away. So glad I stopped and caught my breath!
In my journey of mindfulness, I've claimed joy, understanding, laughter, compassion, awareness, and yes, love- the greatest of all emotions. Not only have I claimed them, but I've felt them in their highest intensity. In retrospect, it's amazing how many wonderful mindful moments I've collected already this year...with eleven months to go!
Sure, I have plans, goals and dreams...and when the moment is right, I'll experience their realities. For this moment will lead me there...one moment at a time. I already see them materializing.
On that note, I wish you the joy that only true mindfulness and vulnerability of spirit will bring you....now, go grab a hug.

I created THIS?! lol

An all star athlete. Co-captain to three teams. Honor Society Member. A loyal employee of five years at the local Bestbuy. My wonderful son.
Enter three years of college, supporting an apartment on his own, homework, bills, practice, homework, laundry, making meals, homework, long hours at work, athletic meets, did I say homework? (Don't forget to subtract Mom's every available dollar!) Still my son.
Add a near tragic car accident. An attack by a neighbor's dog. Panic attacks. Forty six stitches because a glass door smashed nearby. And the question of the 2008 year: "Mom, can I come home and get on my feet?"
Add all that together and what do you get?
A crowded house with gym shoes magically appearing at every corner. Milk left out on the counter ("Sorry Mom, I forgot.") Laundry piled to the rafters - 90 percent still smelling of dryer sheets! ("Well, I put it on, then I changed again." translated to- it touched my body for two seconds)Oh, don't forget the endless questions- none of which are seeking advice, but instead want to know WHY I drive down Maple Street when it's so much easier to take Oak St...and various other examples of mom's 'shortcomings.' If that isn't enough, you may filter in the big german shepherd/rottie who leaves mud, hair and various other bodily fluids all over the what was new carpet. ("Mom, it's not my fault! Prince was playing in the mud." My question-who owns this dog?)
Someone said my little boy is a man now....hmmm...if that be true, just WHO IS this creature who resides in the room down the hall?!