I'm Such a Geek!

Frans Awards

Jumped out of bed, all excited, no I didn't win the lottery last night, but I was nominated for four different Bloggie 0scars tonite! Now that, to someone who loves to write, is top honors! (Most Inspiring Blog Post, Best Yuwie blog, Best Creative Writing Blog, and Best Original Work)

Keeping this short, you can check out all the cool details at: 2ND ANNUAL BLOGGIE 0SCARS

Yes, it's a global social networking site that pays its users to submit content and interact with each other. Will anyone get rich there? Probably not. I personally have made about 30 bucks in the past six months just by chit chatting with people. Admittedly, I'm addicted to the connections I've build with friends all over the world and go there to at least check in daily. If you want to take a look and give it a whirl yourself here's a link: ONE OF MY HANGOUTS

Wish me luck and have a super day all. Hugs :o)
OH, and here's your own invitation to the event:

I'm being honored at the 2009 Bloggie 0scars Event!
You are invited as my special guest.

Thoughts

I awoke this morning.
No, not in the sense of my eyes opened to a new day making its presence known with the scent of warm coffee on the air. But in a much deeper, more soul-oriented sense. A moment of total clarity, vision and understanding.
Ok, perhaps it wasn't a total awakening where all things make sense, but it was enough of a revelation for me to find peace and enarmor myself in fearlessness because there was a sense that no matter what direction I plant my feet, everything is going to be as it is meant to be...and yes, my inward prophecy to this realization sure looks joyful.
It's no secret I've struggled with intimate relationships- whether in love, family or friendship. In fact, for many years I ran from the closeness most people search for in their lives. Didn't want to hurt or be hurt anymore. An inward struggle to remain stoic and without vulnerabilities.
I could always find a reason, justified by narrowmindedness, to thwart contact with someone. Anyone. Perhaps it was religion...or race...or as trivial as hair color or the way they held their silverware...whatever fit the situation. And if there seemed to be no justification, I'd either label them less important than they were to me or run like hell with no explanations.
But sometimes, when we are immersed in hiding from ourselves, there's a stronger force at work behind the scenes. A power so great it plays our life cards well enough to guide us where we are supposed to be regardless of how much we struggle, kick, scream and resist.
Yes, I do believe everything happens for a reason and if I was meant to be in Chicago at four o'clock today to meet Joe Cool, circumstances would have unfolded in such a way as to find me there. Instead I am snowbound in New England with yet another fierce storm over my head, but that is a separate blog! I am here because this is where I am supposed to be at this time. Just as you are reading this because you were meant to hear these words for whatever reason applies to your situation. I believe that.
This idea doesn't just apply to you and me, but to everyone around us as well. Those in our inner circle were placed there for a reason significant to their lives and to our own. The magic happens when we learn to stop struggling and let things just be as they are...an inner acceptance that in the grand scheme of things we really don't have control. We are merely pawns on a chess board, if you will. No, that doesn't mean to forget your rent or mortgage this month! But it does mean to stop shutting out Tom, Sue or even Lassie because you're fighting the inevitable contact. They are present because they are meant to be...there's a purpose.
We don't always know how someone is supposed to "fit" into our lives, but if we allow them to "show up" with us, somewhere down the path the importance of their presence hits us like a brick to the face. Problem is, too often we allow society or our own prejudices to complicate what should have been an easy exchange of ideas and emotions. We're blind to their significance in our lives or we, like I used to do, label them less important to us than they are. We tend to prolong our own suffering. That's right, we rob ourselves of goodness everyday we allow ourselves to be ruled by narrowmindedness....or fear.
In my quiet awakening this morning, a thought materialized: God doesn't care who we love but He does care that we learn to love. For isn't love, of the unconditional kind, what truly makes us joyful and validated? And if God created everyone, isn't everyone equally important? Who cares what race, religion, sex, height, weight, or nationality someone is...within each person lies a true nature that is free of all those labels. Love doesn't know boundaries so what makes us wiser than it? Wiser than God who gave us the capacity to love?
If someone makes your world spin happily solely by their presence or you get a lump in your throat at the thought of their absence, then throw away the labels and immerse yourself in that love. Everything else will eventually work itself out. Whether for the next ten years or the next fifty years, it is meant to be. There's a purpose- even if it is only the chance to truly experience the beauty of love with no preconceived ideas and conditions.
Living with faith in the world around you and being open to all its possibilities may just throw you a few surprises. Possibly what you've searched for has been in front of your eyes all along.
In closing, today I wish for you the end of narrowmindedness and the possibility of something beautiful happening as you throw out your own personal agenda in favor of floating towards what is meant to be.
.....hugs :o)

More Than a Meal

Amazingly, after postponing Friday, lunch ran smoothly today.
I awoke this morning all comfy cozy in my bed and dawdled with the idea of rolling over and catching some extra zzz's when the thought,"Today's the day." hit me like a boulder to the chest. Adrenelin rushing, I jumped from the covers to face the day.
Of course my brain was spitting questions like a semi-automatic pistol: "What if she doesn't show? What if she does? What if she ridicules my life? What if she wants more than I'm willing to give? What if she's really changed? What if- blah blah blah."
We'd changed the restaurant location three times and I had no idea where I was headed, but I was willing to bet it was probably right outside her doorstep. (Later I would be proven wrong. Yes, it ended up being closer to her house but still a bit of a drive away.)
She arrived shortly after I walked into the restaurant and secured a table. Carrying in a scrapbook, my tree she made, and a few other items she juggled nervously, it was time for us to talk after so many years. The scrapbook was definitely a Godsent and a perfect icebreaker.
To keep a ramble down to size, we'll say lunch was full of small talk, good food, and an added surprise. She gave me a necklace she bought a long time ago for me...just after we stopped talking. It went well enough, I even drove down the road to her house and stayed a bit.
There were glimpses of the vain, self-centered woman she used to be, but I had to chalk up that chatter to her nervousness. Overall, she made herself available and willing to listen. Accepting even...of my life and of me. And I no longer saw her as the person who had me, left me, and owed me something. Today- after many years- I allowed her to be human in my eyes...human with feelings.
No, I am far from ready to tear down my safety nets, but I am willing to float along this journey and see where it leads.
I found it rather ironic that she made me a tree center piece. A tree!
Back when I began my last series of counseling sessions, my therapist told me a story about trees: They are not confused. When the sun rises each morning, they know their purpose and are accepting of that purpose...to just be a tree. They see a cat and don't want to be a cat...a tree is what they are and it is good enough. No confusion. On that note, she's my mother...she's human...she has feelings...and yes, today that too is good enough.

I Ask You- What if...

There's too much hate in the world.
What if...tomorrow we awakened and the labels society gives us were meaningless...non-existent words no longer living on anyone's breath?
What if...when a baby was born, genetics didn't define his/her skin, hair, or eye color... size, shape or stature...predispositions to disease or intelligence...all were left up to fate?
What if...there were no more organized religions ...Protestants, Jews, Catholics, Buddhists, etc all walked the earth with no label, no separation? After all, isn't the bottom line to walk together as equals and love all living beings as much as we love ourselves?
What if...when we looked at each other, all we could see is a soul...no color, no sexual orientation, no height nor weight...just a soul equal to our own eternal life force?
What if...we learned to love from our spirit and to connect to and love another's true nature?
What if...everyone lived expectantly- jumping out of bed each morning just happy to be breathing... believing and knowing something amazing would happen before day's end...in awe of this life we so take for granted?
What if...we all learned to breathe from within, deep within our spirit, mindful of only this very moment and the goodness it has to offer?
What if there was truth in what ifs?

Pickled beets and Pork Chops

Friday. Lunch. Nothing very unusual to find on someone's schedule. That is, unless you're me. And unless it's with my mother.

Yes, after 12 years of no contact, we've decided to meet in the middle and do lunch this week. To say things have changed would be an understatement. There was a time when she wouldn't meet me next door much less twenty miles down the road.

I've spoken with Mom (gosh, I used to choke on that name) four times. Each conversation was absent of the blame game and full of past apologies and future hopes. There's an underlying "I'm here now Honey and it's okay" in her tone. Her voice is soft, calm and inviting to my inner child who has missed her so much. To the adult I've become, she's accepting and only asks for my time...and a chance to make things right.

Yesterday I thought the world was opening up and swallowing me in as I heard the words,"I've always loved you Honey, you're my baby and I've missed you so much." I could feel the lava of the planet's inner core begin to burn my feet as she continued to unveil little things I'd given her that she'd kept all these years. Would've placed my life savings on the planet blowing up before she ever said,"Honey, I'm proud of you." But I'd be dead ass broke now cause she said it last night....but more importantly, I could tell by her near whisper, she meant it.

Yes, the woman who has been the catalyst for much of my disappointments, hurts and resentments has now appeared as the person I'd always hoped she could be. Well, toss my salad and call me Caesar....it's a whole new world. I almost don't know whether to raise a flag or bake a cake. For now I'll do neither...it's too soon....I need time.

I find myself squirming inside. I so want to believe this woman has changed but I find myself doubting, questioning and looking for the 'old' mother to appear and snatch away the goodness as quickly as it appeared. I guess reasonable boundaries are okay but I am mindfully trying to remain optimistic, open, and compassionate.

The simplest of words blow me away. Do you know she remembers my favorite color? She even remembers what foods I liked when I was a baby. Information I'd thought she'd long forgotten as she'd never told me before.

Heck, I never knew what her favorite anything was...but I'm beginning to learn now. She likes black and red. Pork chops over steak and yes, beets but they must be pickled. She loves country and western music and dance. Even loves the ocean as much as I do. Perhaps this sounds trivial to some, but imagine not knowing for 40 plus years and then one day being allowed close enough to gather the information. Mind-blowing really.

I only spent the first 2 1/2 years of my life with her...then at 17, I spent about ten years knocking heads with her, just trying to make us fit into each other's lives....or more accurately, into each other's expectations of who we should be. It didn't work. If anything, it only accentuated the pain we both (yes today I can say 'both') felt. Then it was only a quick hello and expected check-in holiday visits once every four or five years...until I totally gave up in March of 1997.

Suffice it to say, I am both excited and scared to death. I've placed up boundaries as protection but I'm remaining open to tearing them down. After all, there's a little kid inside of me who is so afraid of being crushed again...but she too is breathing life into the possibilities of a brighter future. One conversation at a time.

My mother is gifted when it comes to crafts. I'd always wanted her to make me something....now, get this, she did! She made me a decorative tree- not a Christmas tree- but a table top center peice with lights and decorations. She's bringing it to lunch so I can take it home with me. Can't wait to see it. Between you and me, she could have drawn the smallest of things...let's say a mouse...on a scrap piece of paper, handed it to me, and I'd treasure it because for that second or two she was thinking enough of me to create the drawing. Instead, she took an hour or two and made something really nice. I'm touched.

In closing, I don't know where I'm headed with this journey of rediscovery, but for now it's pork chops and pickled beets....and maybe a mindful hug or two.

Here's wishing you all a day of restoration...where something hurtful can be resolved and healed. Have a happy today!

hugs :o)

The Theme of The Year

Tonight I sit here at the keyboard, my thoughts warming -awaiting a 'pop' to signal an idea is ready, like raisin toast on a cold morning.

-----snap, crackle, you got it- pop! -----


Every year seems to have a theme. Three years ago was a year of loss with the passing of my father and other significant people in my life. Followed by a year of transition as I journeyed through some intensive therapy, placing my feet back on the ground. Then last year, the year of awareness, at last finding myself and the flow of what is- wuwei. Having found a comfortable space in my world, the year ended quite happily.
Mind you, usually I can't see what the theme has been until about mid December, when I sit reflecting over the previous months and the events they've held.
This year is different. What strikes me is how quickly the theme has developed. This year will be the year of emotions and change. Sure, I've experienced a whole lot of emotions in my lifetime, but how many have I actually taken the time to own...to actually feel their intensity? It was normal for me to always be three steps ahead of every conversation (and event), in my safe zone, awaiting someone's arrival on the other side. Definitely not in the moment. After all, if I've already passed by the moment no one can touch my vulnerability. Racing ahead was a defense mechanism. My, how things have changed.
Today I practice mindfulness in all things...I'm right here- right now. For I've come to learn, this now is all we ever truly own. All I have to do is "show up." A hundred percent present. Living through all my senses. Even now as I type, I can feel the softness of the keys under my fingers, hear the music on the radio, smell the floral scent of dryer sheets drifting in from the laundry room, taste the cherry gatorade I'm sipping, and of course, see the words I'm typing.
Of course, moment to moment my senses find something new to experience. Perhaps the sound of an adult child on the phone, or a cool graphic someone sent me in email, or even a hug. Yeah, what about a hug?
Here's something for you to try. Lots of people hold their breath when they hug someone. It's true. I didn't believe it when my counselor first told me that fact- until I found myself actually doing it! Anyway, go grab someone and hug him/her....mindfully....in other words, be conscious of your breath....hug him/her and BREATHE....mind you, I didn't say PANT! lol...just breathe...from your stomach...where we were meant to breathe....long, slow, and deep...then relax into that hug...actually feel the other person's arms around you...the warmth, the softness, the safe security this embrace rewards you with, his/her breathe on your neck, his/her scent...feel the beating of his/her heart against your body-rhythmic and strong...lastly, feel the love. Don't allow your mind to wander to the clothes waiting to be folded or how many emails are needing answers... stay in the hug....fully and completely....then release... Now that's a hug...and you're feeling pretty good, aren't you?
Hugs are supposed to feel good...they are medicinal- when enacted correctly, they release chemicals in our brains that make us feel better. Now that I've taken you through a mindful, fearless hug, imagine living every second of every day from this space...mindfully showing up....better still, forget imagining - just attempt to do it...and watch how beautiful life can become. After all, there's no anxiety here- you are not worrying about what is coming next...and there's no depression because you are not looking back at past events...you are here and now...where in this now everything is okay.
Yes, it takes practice. I've gotten a whole lot better at this feat after two years of consciously working on it. Sure, it makes me much more vulnerable...but I'm finding a whole lot of beautiful moments too. And as I find safety in mindfulness, I'm building up fearlessness....courage to experience new things...to be vulnerable...open....more loving, more compassionate. Breathing life into love and love into life...that's become my own personal quote...where I live from everyday.
Back to this year's theme- emotions and change. I'm learning not to run from the intensity of my emotions. Today I allow love to breathe. I know what it is and I'm not afraid of where it leads me in my relationships. After all, I only have to 'show up-' one moment at a time...fearlessly. I've learned to trust this life we breathe in...everything will end up where it is meant to be...all I need to do is float. This fearlessness has rewarded me with many wondrous surprises. Many of which were right in front of my eyes all the time I was running away. So glad I stopped and caught my breath!
In my journey of mindfulness, I've claimed joy, understanding, laughter, compassion, awareness, and yes, love- the greatest of all emotions. Not only have I claimed them, but I've felt them in their highest intensity. In retrospect, it's amazing how many wonderful mindful moments I've collected already this year...with eleven months to go!
Sure, I have plans, goals and dreams...and when the moment is right, I'll experience their realities. For this moment will lead me there...one moment at a time. I already see them materializing.
On that note, I wish you the joy that only true mindfulness and vulnerability of spirit will bring you....now, go grab a hug.

Okay, so I'm not a rocket scientist!

I'm by no means a novice but I sure have not scored very high tonite on the "customize your blog" report card.
For three hours I have taken out code and replaced code to get what I have. And my header/background is awesome--thanks to the super work of "LEE" (go see her, she's wonderful)....but now I cannot seem to get my widgets back! My blogroll has gone MIA....my followers are non-existent....poll was wiped out...you name it, it's vanished.
....what to do, what to do....do I really have to use one of blogger's routine layouts to use the widgets? Ugh!


now it's thursday morning and still my page is not cooperating....gee, no wonder i have no comments- my blog isn't even showing! anything past "I created this" is absent from my page...........I guess I have no choice but to redo my page...or stare at the page and try to mind manipulate all my widgets and new blog to appear....


I have acquired a Motrin resistant headache, but I now have a blog. Lee, if you are reading this, please know I so loved your work and thank you so much. It's just a sign of all my wasted educational dollars. I really should have taken at least one computer class! As soon as I find someone to help me get my page rocking, I'll put it back up, but I'm still linking to you so others can see your wonderful work.

Ok, I am off to unfold slowly into my morning...who am I kidding? I'm going for coffee! lol